


v 



I9ALA. 

AN EXTRAVAGANZA, 

IN TWO ACTS. 



IGALA. 



AN EXTRAVAGANZA, 
IN TWO acts; 



y^ yc\ or 




^' 



l^rv 



i 









Olengayombi {King of the Pon Pon Puanahs). 

Admiral Oguizi. 

CoMMiNAGOUMBA {Prijue-Minister). 

General Maguineus. 

Akoudogo {Corporal of the King s body-guard). 

The Great Unknown. 

Messenger. 

Sir Artichoke {the Executioner). 

Igala {Comniinagoumba s daughter). 

Nyambiza {Comminagouniba s better-half). 

QuENGUESA {Queen of the Tom Tom Tinas). 

ACT. I. 

{Exterior of Palace. Ak. and Cho.) 
Opening Chorus : 

Openiim- Chorus : 

Hnrrali ! Hurrah ! Hurrah ! Sish ! Boom ! Ah ! 
We cheer for his majesty, our gracious King, 

Olengayombi is his name. 
Whether'good luck or bad luck fortune may bring, 
His highness is ever the sam*^-. 

Then sing loud the praises of Pom Pom Puanah, 
For its King give one more cheer ; 

His hat is silk, and his kerchief bandasnna; 
His beverage lager beer. 

( En ter Mag. from, palace. ) 
Mag. Phwhat' s all this nise about \ 
Say p'hwhat' s the matther I 
Wliv do ve make noight hidjeous wid such clat- 

■ therf 
Kape shtill ! 

Alt. Great general, we do but serenade the King. 
Mag. The 'King ! Phwhy, don' t yez know the 
King is not at home i 

CJi. Not at home ! Where is he, then? 

Mag. Gone to roam 

Cli. To Rome '. what for "{ to see the Pope '\ 
Mag. Kape shtill 1 Phwhere are yer manners ': 
Tain't perlite to interrupt. 

He's gone to roam through his dominions wide, 
And should return this noight — 
Unless old Commi loied. 

Alt. Then our serenade has been for nought. 
Ch. Oh, what a pity ! 



Ma<i. Kape slitill ! To ricompinse ye for yer dis- 

api^ointnient, Of 11 sing- a ditty. 
Song : 
I am the great gineral Maguineus. 

CJi. Maguineus. 
At home I was called MacGinnis 

(Jli. MacGinnis. 
And there the pei'taties I used for to hoe 
But here Tm the King" s generalissimo 

Cli. Maguineus. 
The King for advoisers has whoite men three 

0)1. White men three. 
Comminagouraba and Oguizi. 

CJi. Oguizi. 
While Oi 'ni the gineral hale and hearty 
And chafe agitator of the labor party 

(Vi. Maguineus. 

Oi make bould spaches most anti-royal 

Oh. Anti-royal. 
But when the court's 'round I'm excadingly loyal. 

Cli. Exceedingly loyal. 
I'm a strong advocate for not paying rints 
And granebacks and dollars worth 85 cints. 

Ch. Maguineus. 
Mag. Kape shtill ! And since yer serenade' s no 
go ' . . 

Lave 'me alone here Avid.frind Akondogo. 

{Exeunt Chorus, R. and M. U.) 

Akondogo ! 

Ak. I'm here, oh, worthy thane ! 

Mag. Thane ! What kind of a fish do you think 
I am '( Macbeth ? 

A7c. No. Hamlet. 

Mag. O ! a sar-Dane ! 
Hould me, Oi faint ! Oi am afraid 
That, hearing this, a wake-fish I've been made. 
But now to business. 

Ak. I am all attention. 

Mag. Thin, phwhat I am about to say Oi hope 
you'll niver mintion. 

AJc. Trust me for it I ne' er will. 

Mag. Don't spake so loud, ye will be overheard. 
Kape shtill ! 

Whisper ! Ye have the sand lots all engaged for me 
nixt spach ! 

Ah. I have. 



3fag. And ye' 11 have a big hat handy within rach 
To pass around among the natives 'i 

Alt. I will. 

Mag. Thin all' s in readiness, Och ! 
HuiToo ! {recollecting himself) Whist ! 
Kape shtill ! 

I will a 2'>lot unfold, which, av found out, 
Will give us both ^.jplot of ground out 
In the rhubarbs of the city. 

Ak. Your honor means suburbs. 

Mag. Do I^ Phvvhell, thin, niore's the pity. 
Whisper again ! The King will soon return. 
A train Oi've laid communicating with a mine 
'Twill blow his train sky high — 

Ak. {Interry/pting) What, kill the King ! 
I'll none of it ! 

Mag. Kape shtill ? Don't spake until ye' ve sane 
the fun av it. 

The mine is set expressly for the baggage train. 
The King's train follows later. Is that through 
yer pate 'i 

Ak. {nods.) It is. 
Mag. Boom! He's scared — no one's hurt — he'll ab- 
dicate. 

Ak. What then "i 

3fag. Phwhatthin! Oh thin — well, there' s plinty 
of time to think of that. 
But whist here comes the train. 
We must not be found here, that's flat. 
Must I bid twice ? hence ! light weight, fly ! 

{BlotPS Ak. out R. L. E.) 

Lave McClinnis here alone to die. 

{Exit Mag., B. E.) 

{Train is heard approaching. Explosion.) 

{Enter Mag. R. E., Ak., R. L. E., Chorus, R. U.. 
E., and Com. p)alace.) 

Com. Is anybody hurt \ What is the row % 
My wife has sent me out to learn the how, and why, 
and wherefore. 

Mag. Begorra ! 'Tis the train that's busted. 
The train on which his majesty has trusted 
His precious life. But, as I look again. 
His majesty is safe. It is the baggage train. 

Corn. O ! {gasps for breath?) 

Mag. Phwhy, j)h what's the matther now, old 
pard ? 



Com. Matter ! Matter enough ! 
Ever since the attempt upon the Russian Czar 
His majesty has ti-aveled in the baggage car. 

Mag. Oh, McGinnis. {Falls against Com.) 

[Enter 01., R. E., supported by tiuo natives}^ 

Song : 01. 

I'm all broke np, 

Oh, Fortune, thou art fickle ; 

And, though my life has been preserved, 

I'm in a ]Drecious jDickle. 

My clothes are disarranged, 

The nap is off my hat, 

And I am nigh torn limb from limb, 

I'm glad I was spared that. 

Chorus : 

He's safe ! he's safe ! he's safe ! 
Our gracious King is safe. 
Then, thanks to Fortune give, that he, 
OvlV monarch, dear, is safe. 

{All daiiee, 01. groivs weak,. and Com. gives him some 

rye and rock.) 
Chorus : 

I'm feeling better, now. 
Though bj^ no means elated ; 
I traveled up so higli, me thought 
The road was, elevated. 
But now I'm safe once more, 
Though suffering from the shock ; 
I'll bring a suit against the road — 
But first unload my stock. 

Com. I trust you are not hurt, sire. 

Mag. Sire, I hope I see you well. 

01. I'm shaken up considerably, I thank you, 

and completely mystified. 
How could th' explosion have occurred, and for 

what purpose '{ 
To learn the cause I'd give a hundred dollars — 
Mag. Your majesty, I would suggest 'twas caused 

by your new collars. 
01. My collars ! Then all future accidents we will 

avoid. 
Comminagoumba ! 
Com. Yes, sire. 

01. See that a duty's put at once on celluloid. 
Mag. {aside.) A protective tariff. 



01. My collars, forsooth ! a bright idea, my morn- 
ing-glory ! 
Mag. Thanks, sire. Me parents was strawberry- 
blondes, so me broightness is red-hid-a-tory. 
01. I'll go within, to rest. Though no bones are 
broken, I've had a shake — 
And, by the bye, 'tis strange that an accident upon 

the cars should be without a brake. 
(Exeunt 01. and Mag. palace. Ak., R. U. E., and 
Chorus, R. U. E. and R. E.) 
{Enter Ny., L. U. E.) 
Ny. Well, Commi, what was all the noise about \ 
Why did you stay so long % . , i 

Com. The King w?,s blown up, and, though un- 

It was my duty to stay here and feign to be alarmed 
Ny. Alarmed, indeed! And don t you think i 

wished to know about the row— 

Com. [interrupting). My life 

N'li Don't life me ! The idea, to place your duty 

to your King before that to your wife. 

Com. Now, Mary Ann 

N-q. O-o-o-o-o ! T shall faint ! 

Com. Pardon, my dear, I mean Nyambiza. 

I know it ain t ^ ^ . ^+. i 

The correct Ki-bosh to be so awfully torgettul; ^ 
But consider the circ^um stances, love ; pray, don t 
be fretful. 
Ny. Fretful ! Oh, you brute ! Was ever any one 

so tried ! -, ^ . i -p i i^ 

But tell me, has the King consented to take tor ni.s 

bride 
Our daughter, Igala 1 , , . ^ ^ t ^^i. 

Com. My dear, I've not had time yet to brooch 

the subject ^ „i. 

Ny. Brooch the subject ! Your the slowest coach 

I've ever seen ! 
Next thing he will have wedding-ringed the queen 
Of the Tom Tom Tinas— if you don't look out. 
And then our carefully concocted plans will be up 

(7om^Up spout! Oh, my prophetic soul, my 
uncle ' The verv thought makes me feel weak. 

\piaces air cushion on ground, sits on it, and drinks 

rye and rock). -, , ^ i-. 

Ny. Though you're not funny, there s too mucli 

of the smile about you. 



6 

Now, then, brare np and liave some style about yoit. 
(\>'ni. {I'iscs.) The King is all unnerved and shak- 
ing- in his shoes. 
Ny. Now is the time, then. He will not dare 

refuse. 
CcYNi. My h>ve, you're right. I'll go at once. 
Fai'ewell ! 

[Exit Palace.~\ 

Ny. {calling aftrr kirn). You'd better mind what 
you're about ! I hope he will fare well. 

To have my daughter wedded to tlie King — the 
thought is too entrancing ! 

I'll have an entrance into every court abroad ; it 
makes me feel like dancing. 

Oh, what could be so charming ! 

I could not wish for more. 

AVhat posish could be better than 

That of a mother-in-law % 

And then, 'twould be so distingue, 

In fact, no common thing. 

For I would be the mother-in-law 

Of a real, true, live king. 

I' d order out the army 
When I my visits paid, 
To escort me to the houses 
Where my calls were to be made. 
And when I gave a kettle-drum, 
Or some such social bore. 
The royal band would play for me — 
The king's own mother-in-law. 

I' d boss the old prime minister — 

I guess I do that now — 

I' d send that Admiral Oguizi 

A-cruizing in his scow. 

I' d open the king' s letters ; 

He could not any more 

Have a latch-key, or stay out at night. 

Were I his mother-in-law. 

What keeps the man so long % Why does he tarry ? 

[Enter Com., palace.'] 

Well, what does he say ? 
Will he marry 
Igala « 



Comn. My dear, he will, liis word's pledged to it ; 
And what the King has pledged himself to do he's 
always sure to do it. 

Ny. How did you ever make him come to time \ 
My eye ! it's awfully jolly ! just too prime 
For anything ! 

Com. Prime ! Well. I should snicker ! Why, my 
dear, now it has been done 
It is the best day's work. I ever did ; 
In fact, it yanks the bun. 

Ny. But see ! the day is breaking. 
We' 11 have no rest at all if we don' t get it soon . 

Com. No fear of that. The King will not get up 
till noon. 

Ny. Don't contradict me, sir ! Come along. 

[Exeunt palace. ] 

{Chorus outside) : 
The morn in the East the night-clouds are breaking, 
Our gallant ship its way is making 
Towards our dear fatherland. 
To fortune, then, our thanks be given ; 
Our journey's o'er, homeward we're driven, 
A Joyful sailor band. 

[^Enter Og. and sailors in ship R. U. E^ 

Og. {sings) : 

Once more returned in safety, 

I seek Igala's side. 
Never again to leave it, 

W^hatever may betide. 
Igala, art thou dreaming I 
Your lover true is here. 
May beings fair in visions bright 
Tell you Oguizi's near. 

Ch. Tra-la-la, Tra-la-la. Tell you 
Oguizi's near. {Repeat.) 

Once more returned in safety, 

From sailing on the sea, 
I make it my first duty 

To hasten, love, to thee. 
I'm longing for the time, dear, 
When, with you by my side, 
No power on earth shall ever part 
Oguizi and his bride. 

C/i. Tra-la-la, Tra-la-la, Oguizi and 
his bride. {Repeat.) 
\_Exeunt Chorus, R. and R. U. E.^ 



[ Enter Igala palace. [ 

Ig. I tlioiiglit 1 lipard Ogiiizi's voice. Oh, there 
lie is ! 
Compared with that odious King, how wonderfully 
fair he is I 
Og. Igala I or do my eyes deceive me ! 
If it is a vision, may it never leave me. 
It is too good to believe. But why so pensive, love ? 

Ig Oh ! Oguizi I our jolans have all misacrried ; 
My father s just informed me that I'm to be married 
To the King. 

, Og. O, ye gods I Can this be true ? 
Can he be so cruel as to make a social sacrifice of you? 
I bet he cannot, if he's half a man. 

Ig. My dear Oguizi, you had better believe he can. 
Half a man ! I hope that is not chaff. 
He' s governed in this, as in all things, bv his better 
. half. 
Og. Say, rather, by his worser dear. 
Ig. I wish I might ; 
But he has been so often worsted by her that 'twould 

not be right. 
'Tis better as it is, so let it rest ; 
One tak;es a melancholy (M:)mfort in the thought that 
one's oppressed. 
Og. That's pretty cold comfort — like lemonade 
and ice water at an evening party. 
Meanwhile we'll try to think of some good scheme, 
so don't be blue — cheer up, my hearty. 

[Enter Com. from palace, and conies bcHveen thevi.\ 

Ig. {screams.) Oh I my father ! 
Com. Well, yes, I rather 
Guess it is. Come, now, let' s have no more of this. 
liTou leave this s]3ot, sir — and you get in the house, 
Miss. 
Ig. Oh. father, mercy ! 
Og. Hear me plead my cause. 
Ig. And my cause, too. 

Com. Be quiet ! you'll set one wild, goodness 
knows ; 
With all your causes you're worse than a flock of 

crows. 
Stop croaking. 
-You had l)etter run now, here comes your mother. 

[Exeunt Og. R., Ig. L. to house. Enter Ny. L.'\ 
My dear, a frightful calamity did I just discover. 



Ny. I did not come to hear of griefs anew ; 
A fig for your clamity, 1 care more for an oyster 

stew. 
Just at present I've no breakfast had. 

Com. I'd like to have some oysters., too; they'd 

really not go bad. 
Ny. Well, what's the row now; what's gone 

wrong % 
Com. Igala loves Oguizi. 
Ny. What's that I hear % 
Com. It is not all, he loves her. 
Ny. {Falls back into his arms.) Let me down easy. 
{Starting up.) If I had him here I' d tear his 
eyes out ! 
Com. My dear, you' d not assail him, would you '? 
Ny. Wouldn' 1 1 — just. Ugh ! the shark, how I' d 

like to whale him 
Com. My love, I think t' would be more staid. 
And much more prudent if he were by some one 
else way-laid. 
Ny. But tell me, Commi, why did they have ever 
put afloat 
Such an admiral as that, such a floater. 
Why, I have heard it said in town 
He' s such a light w^eight that to keep him down, 
He puts sand in his shoes. 

Com. You can believe that if you choose. 
He is the only man within this realm 
Who can tell the capstan from the helm, 
The mainmast from the hold, 
At least, so I've been told. 
Besides, he is the only one who knows how 
To sail a boat. And when sailing in his scow. 
He is no scozvard. 

Ny. But then to be a sailor-lover, why the man 
must be insane. 
For, don' t you see it degrades him from an admiral 
to a boatswain ? 
Com. But what's to be done now? that is the 

thing. 
Ny. Done ! why, tell it to the king, 
Don' t be such a goose ; 
Here he comes now with Magineus. 
{Enter 01. et omnes.) 
Com. Good morning, sire. I trust your nap has 

quite refreshed you. 
Mag. Kape shtill. Refrished, indade ! 
Young man, yez are too new. 



10 

01. Silence in the court — I mean before it. 
I'm pretty well, considering, thank you ; 
And though my body's sore, it feels much better 
than it did last night. 
Ny. Your majesty, I never did have such a fright, 
I should think you would be sore, having soared so 

high ; 
I never saw such an accident. 
Mag. {aside.) Be me sword., that last saw was a 

sce-saw in me eye. 
01. But Where's my darling Igala % 
Ig. Here, sire. 

01. O, Igala, the bright oasis in this desert of 
darkness, 
-Embrace me on the spot. 

{Goes to embrace Jg.^ who repulses hiin^ 
Ig. No, sire. I' d rather not. 

Ny. Igala, what do yon mean 

Ot. {interrupting.) Old woman, hold your ja\^. 
Ny. {aside) Oh ! just you wait until I am your 

mother-in-law. 
Com. {aside.) The old gal's bluffed. 
Well, I should snicker ! 

01. Did I hear anybody mention liqnor ? Did 

anybody murmur beer 'i 
Com. Nary a gurgle — {During conversation Ig. 
and Od. get together in the background, and 
are taTking lomngly. 01. turns and discovers 
them. ) 
01. I say, what have we here ? 
Ny. Your majesty, the foolish girl' s in love with 

that sailor nautical. 
01. In love with Admiral Oguizi ? 
Oh, oh, you naughty gal. 

Ig. O, sire, have pity on us both, I pray. 
Please, leave me free to marry him ; 
Your majesty, hear what I have to say. 
01. I'll not. 
Og. You must. 

01. Straightway unto the lockup carry him {guards 

seize Og.) 

Maguineus, you'll enter the charge upon the blotter. 
As-er-as-er — let me see-er. 

Com. Burglary, with intent to steal. 

01. That'll do nicely. 

Mag. That's phwat's the matther, 
Give ns the stylus, or rather the stylographic pen. 



11 

{AJc. bringing booJc and pen.) They're all the 
style now. 

{Mag. makes entry.) Don't say that again. 
01. Must, must I '>i 

Ig. Yes! You mnst-y old mustang. I just guess 
you'll have to listen to us whether you will or no. 

Ny. mid Com. Oh, sire, forgive her. Grief has 
made her so. 

01. No back talk, miss. I'll not take any sass 
from you. 

Ig. Ugh ! how I hate you ! I'd like most awfully 

to a-sass-inate you. 
01. What do yer sole % Here is another plotter. 
Magineus, you'll enter this case on the blotter. 

As-er 

Com. She did not mean it, sire— 'twas an accident, 
Mag. Explosion in a gas factory. No one injured. 
{^Ak. brings book and Mag. throzvs it away.) 

Don't put that pen behind your ear, do you 'ear me '{ 
Com. and Ny. Remember, sire, she is our child. 
01. Well, then, I'll have to draw it mild. 
Seeing, my friends, she is your daughter, 
Lock her in her room and diet her with brandy and 
water. 

^//. Oh! 

Ol I mean bread. Of course that's Avhat I meant ; 

just give her that instead of the brandy. 
Og. {breaking from guards and throwing himself on 
one knee before the King.) Oh, sire, spare her. 
Avenge all insults on me if you will. 
Do anything — decapitate me. 

Mag. {knocking off his hat.) 'Tis done. Kape shtill ! 
All. {Sing song, " Be mercijul, great King.'') 



Be merciful, great King, 
Unto this youthful pair ; 

He is a sailor true 

And she a maiden fair. 



Take pity on them both ; 

'Tis surely some defense 
That they've been always loyal. 

This is their first offense. 



12 



Then spare them, spare them, 
Spare them, gracious King ; 
Think of all the happiness 
That sparing them will bring. 

{Repeat:) 
Curtain. 
[End of Act I.] 



ACT II. 



{Interior of Palace. Mag. and Ale.) 
Ak. You seem restless. Something preys upon 
your mind. Pray tell me what it is, and I'll 
not peach. 
Mag. I'm trying to recomember me nixt spache. 
Ale. Why don't you rehearse it now; the King 

will not be here for half an hour yet \ 
Mag. Well thought of, Akondogo. 
You're my right bower yet ; 
Be very careful. 
Ak. Oh, I'm never left. 

Mag. Well, now, to begin. Prompt me when you 
find I'm stuck ; 
Prompt promptly, worthy prompter. 
Ak. I'll buckle to it, my buck. 
Mag. All right, here is the spache {hands it to Ak.., 

who unrolls it.) Just give me plenty of rope. 
Ak. Clear the way for the "billingsgate champion 

of the Pacific slope." {Mag. stands on throne.) 
Mag. Fellow-citizens, the Chinese must go, and I 
am here to tell you and all-comers, 
That you are governed by a crowd of ' ' bald-headed, 

hot-pated, honorable bilks and bummers." 
" Plundering-pirates," "water-sharks," "gas-thieves," 

"railroad highwaymen," and "flunkies ;" 
' ' Brainless snobs, " " lojj-eared lunch fiends, " ' ' bond- 
holding monkeys ;" 
Vampires stretching their fangs and "sapping the 

life's blood of the very people." 
And then to be bossed by that wretched thing, 
That has the cheek to call himself a king. 
(If anybody on this subject can speak well, I can.) 
To be bossed, I say, by that ' ' lean, lantern-jawed, 

lop-sided pelican. " 
Ak. Why dont you call him an ostrich while you're 
about it \ 



13 

Mag. O, stretch yourself. lean do without it. 
Let me see — where was 1\ 
Why don't you prompt me ? It isn't kind. 
To keep me in suspense. ' . 

Ak. You'll be in suspense if you speak^your mmd 
About the King in that manner. 
lAag. Where was I, is -phwhat 
I want to know, and that' s 
What's the matter with Hannah. 

Ak. Lop-sided pelican. 
Mag. Oh yes ! '' The shark-snorted cormorant. 
Ak. 0\ More rant. 
Mag. Kape shtill. 

Ak. I cant. - -,, ,,^ 7 

Mag. It's in the name of charity I call. {Makes a 
misstep and falls from the throne.) Ow ! murther ! 
Ak. {laughing) YL2i\ ha! that last howl was a char- 
ity bawl. 

But look out, here comes the king ! r^ r,^ 

{Enter 01., Com.., Ig., Ny. and Chorus, R. h.) 
Mag. {aside) I'd Jist got to the most interesting 

part, phware they pass around the hat. 
01. Methought I heard a noise like the dropping 

of a pin. • . A- 

Or the falling of a house, or some such quiet din- 
{Goes to sit on the throne.) Why, here are loot- 
prints on my throne ! Magineus, who did that { 

Mag. {singing) Your Majesty 

{Whistles '' It was the cat.'') 

{Chorus. { Whistles " // was the cat.')' ^ 

01. {Whistles " They re right, it was the cat. ) 

{Dominoe.) , . ^ i i 

01. {sits on throne) Are all my loyal subjects here . 
yi//. We are, my liege. 

01 Then bring on the beer. {Beer is brought tn.) 
Song : 01. I drink to you my Pom Pom Puan- 

ians. 
All. And we, sire, drink to you. 
01. I always find vou excellent companions. 
All. We're glad, sire, that you do. 
Chorus. Then drink, drink, drink, 

Drink of the amber beer, 

Drink, drink, drink, 

Drink of it early and late, 

Drink, drink, drink : 

rii k for there's nothing to tear. 

Beer only warms the heart, 

It does not intoxicate. 



14 

01. Here's health and wealth to every one of yoii. 

All. May they contentment brmg. 

01. May wisdom come to every mother's son of 

you. 
All. The same to you, good king. 

Chorus : {Exeunt Ch. R. and Z^ 

01. Igala! 
Ig. Your highness ! 
01. Don't be cast down, my pet. 
Ig. {asicre) I'd like to be cast down from the para- 
pet 
Of the palace. {Aloud.) Sire, how can I help feel- 
ing blue i 
Ognizi's in jail, and then I have to marry you. 

Ny. Yon 'd better mind what you're about, Miss ! 
Comminagoumba, why don' t you teach your daugh- 
ter better manners ? 
Corn. Oh, get out ! 

Ny. Dont talk to me in that light way, you light- 
weight ! 
01. Say, old gal, you're got too much to say, so 
say it 
When you get him alone ; 
We don't want to hear it any more ; 
These little love scenes always are a bore 
To those who are not concerned in them. 
They say that music has charms to soothe the savage 

beast 
Lets have some {to Igala). It may do you good. 
Ig. Well, you are complimentary, to say the least. 
01. Well, now, who'll volunteer ? 
Mag. I will. 

Ol. I guess you've had too much beer. 
Who ever heard of a reg'lar being a volunteer ? 
Mag. Well, if I've had too much, beer with me ? 
All. With pleasure. 

Mag. Kape shtill ! We will defer the agony un- 
til I have more leisure. 

( Takes a harmonicum out of his pocket.) 
Phwell, phwat do ye want % Phwat shall the chune 
be? 
All. Anything you please that is real lively. 
{Mag. prepares to play.) 
Hold on ! It' s not the music of the future, is it % 
Mag. Oh, no ; it's the music of the prisint. Santa 

Clans put it in me stocking at his last visit. 
Ak. What, that little thing ? How did you ever 
■ find it % 



15 

Mag. Would ye look at that, now! Don't ye 

think ye shmart ? 
Ig. How I should like to learn to play upon that 

little tooter ! 
Mag. I'll larn ye any time ye loike. I'd be most 

plazed to be yer tutor. 
Ig. You're very kind. 
All. Come ! less chin-music and more of the other, 

old strike-a-light. 
Mag To hear is to obey. 
All. Play something lively. 

Mag. Kape shtill ; Oi'll play something loight 
{Plays " Home. Sweet HoineT and they all go to 
sleep). Phwhat! Do me eyes decave me ear- 
sight % Oh, golly ! 
This soiglit is indade too melanchoUy. 
To think ! the taste for music is so degraded, 
Among the best society, too ! Surely, some refor- 

rum is naded. 
Who does the fault lie wid ? That' s phwhat I want 

to find. 
I have it ! It lies with Thayodore Thomas and Ar- 
thur Sullivan — in me mind. {All ivake up.) 
01. Quick! I'm getting blue as indigo. 
To cheer up on such a tune as that's no go. 
Call in the gang {to Com.)., you old Brazilian poodle ; 
Call in the gang, and let' s have Yankee Doodle. 

{Enter Chorus^ R. andL.^ and all sing Yankee Doodle., 
. slow time, i 

01. Oh, what a cheerful way to cheer up a fellar. 

{Chases Chorus out R. and Z., to Ak.) 

Bring me my sceptre^-I mean my umbrella. {Ak. 

brings it.)' 
Now then, to business. Is there anything to do 'i 
Com.. Sire, a messenger is in waiting. 
01. Let him wait, then. What does he mean by 
not stating 
From what State he comes ? 

Com. He comes from the lovely Queen Quengueza. 
01. Let him in ; we' 11 see what we can do to 

please her. {Enter Mess.., L.) 
Ak. Well, what do you want, yougonoph! Speak 

out ! 
Mess. Queen 'Quengueza presents her compliments 
to King Olengayombi, and hopes he's safe and 
sound. 
She wishes me to accost him 



16 



Ak. To accost the King will cost yon fifty cents 
all ronncl. P. P. C. 

Mag. Pour prendre con gey. {Runs Ak. L.) 

Mess. She wishes me to speak to him m private. 

Ol. Clear out of here, all of you ! 

Ny. Your highness, allow me to suggest, before 
it is too late, 
To let us all remain — not that I wish to pry into 

affairs of state. 
It might be an attack upon your life. 

{Aside to Com.) Depend upon it, that horrid woman 
wants to be his wife. 
So speak up quick, don't be a goose. 
If you don t hurry up 'twill be no use. 
You'd better mind what you're about. 

Com. Sire ! 

01. Well, whats gone wrong with you ? 

Com. I think that what my wife has said is very 
true. 

Mag. Your majesty, this man may belong to the 
Communistic, Socialistic, Nihilistic Labor Party. 
{Aside.) I thought so many sticks would stick me, 

and I'd not git through it ; 
And now it's done and over, I hope I did not ovei' 
do it. 

01. I'm not afraid. N^ow, then, fire away. 

Mess. Since I cannot see your majesty alone, 
I'll tell you what I have to say by telephone. 

01. Tell away. {Mess, and OL converse through tele- 
phone.) 

Com. {aside.) Euchred ! He's going it alone. 

Nj. There, stupid, see what you have done I 
Why couldn't you let her talk to the King ? 

Com. Why. you asked me to do the talking. 

Ny. I did no such thing ! 

Com. You did ! 

Ny. I didn't ! 

Com. Did! 

Ny. Didn't! 

Com. Did ! 

Ny. Didn't! 

Com. Did! 

Ny. Didn't! 

Mag. {separates them.) Kape shtill ! Ye're loike a 
pair of Katy-dids, the pair of ye. {Exit Mess. L. 
excitedly.) 

01. Let silence in this court be courted ! This 
noise must be stopped, 



17 



Or else in the court yard you will all be dropped. 

Ak. Silence ! It is our master's royal will. 
Silence ! I say ! wliicli means 

Ma^. Kape slitill ! 

O/. The Queen Quengueza wishes me to marry 
her, or 
Else, she says, we'll have to go to war. 
My word being pledged to Miss Igala, 
War's been declared. Now, wars that sailor? 
Just bring him in. {Guards bring in Og., R.) 

^ ' V Let me embrace i i, ' 
Op.\ her. 



Hold on to them. 



'Ny. 
Com. 

01. Cease tHis din. 
One would think the dinner bell was about to ring. 
Release them both. ( TJiey are released, and embrace.) 

Here, stop that sort of thing ! 
Oguizi, war has been declared 
Between the Tom Tom Tinas and the Pom Pom Pu- 

anahs. 
Is the navy all prepared % 

Gg. Sire, we need some bannannas, 
Pate-de-foie-gras, pea-nuts, chocolate eclairs, and a 

few other necessaries in the eating line. 
Besides stout, bottled beer, champagne and sherry 

wine ; 
And rum. 

01. What kind do you desire to use \ 

Gg. Well, as we're cruizing we'd best have Santa 

Cruz. 
01. Oguizi, from this hour you are set free. Again 
you're trusted. 
You shall have all that you desire ; 
Also, port that's crusted — 

So sheer off to the starbord, and don' t get crusty. 
I hope your trusty sword has not grown rusty 
From disuse. 
Gg. No, sire. 

01. And you'll fight for all you're worth. 
Gg. I will, {asidc^ For life I've no desire, 
Now that I'm separated from Igala. 

01. Then make haste and go immediately on 
board. 
And be most careful that your boat' s not saw^ed. 

Gg. Well, that's a game at which two can play. 
{To Com) What's sauce for the goose is sauce for 
the gander, so they say. 



18 

Hey, old horse ! {Pakes Com. in ribs.) 
Coin. Old horse, ineieed ! 

Mag. Yis, don't ye see, old saw-horse! {While 
Mag. IS speaking, Og. and I g^ get together, back.) 
But I'm to he counted m, sire. Your memory must 

be somewhat hazy. 
Be me troth that sounds well, me sword has been too 
lazy of late. 
01. ila \ Maguinens, my worthy Generalissimo, 
Is the army in good condition, 1 want to know ? 
That yon're to be depended on, 

I know. O, rock of steadiness, 
Pray tell me, my ruddy-nosed bloomer, are you in 
readiness < 
Mcui. I am. 

01. How about the Parrot guns ? 
Mag. They're in good talking order. 
0?. The \Vincli ester I 

Ma (I. Wint yisrerday across the border. I'll have 
'em back in a jiffy. 

Al\ And, sire, 1 am ready, too. 
My spear, it spears to me, has had too few 
Spirited encounters to win us glory. 
. Mac/. O, McGinnis! {Mag. falls and Ak. picks him 

lip.) 
G, that this too, too solid, flesh would melt! 

01. Well, then, g* tod-bye and good luck to you — 

[:Exit Og. B.] [Enter soldiers L.] 

y 
{Sung ) 



Mag. {Spoken.) Fall in ! 
Attention, battalion. 



Of my army I am proud, 

They are a gallant crowd. 

And see how goregeously they are arrayed. 

Whiniver they turn out, 

The ladies all do shout, 

They march so line when on a driss parade 

{Spoken.) Rrrrrr-rub-a-dub, dub, dub, dub, dub. 

Chorns : 

We'll march. We'll march to fight, 

With hearts both gay and light, 

The enemy we'll surely drive before us ; . 

Returning home once more 

A gallant veteran corps. 

We'll sing again our jolly soldiers. Chorus. 



19 

Mag. But now to fight tliey' re going, 
The Rooster will stop crowing. 
For foraging they are the boys, you bet. 
And they are sure to win, 
Though they have ne'er been in 
A battle : nor an enemy have met 
Rrrrrrr-rub-a-dub, &c. Cliorus. 

Mag. Because they must do well, 
Wid such a gin era! 

To lead them on to battle and to slaughter, 
Their uniforms are foine, 
Their spears are made of poine, 
And they have a bye for carrying wather. 

CJlOTUS. ' 

{Exeunt Mag. and soldiers R. C. E.) 

01. Igala. 

Ig. O, what do you want ? 

Wy. You'd better mind what you're about. 

Com. I am astonished. 

Ol. Oh,, get out ; let the girl alone ; come here, 

my dear, : 

Don't be alarmed ; you know Fm not severe!; 
When we are married, won't we be happy? You 

may depend upon it, I'll get you such a pretty 

crown, 
Ig. V d rather have a new bonnet. 
Ny. Igala ! 

<Jl. Oh, shut up ! Come, it' s so long — 
Since you had a chance to sing, suppose you chant 

a song, 
/?■. Your Majesty, I've given it up ; I cannot sing. 
JVy. Oh, what a story ! 
Your Majesty, it's no such thing. 

Com. Your Highness, she sings like any bird, for 

that I will go bail, 
Ig. Or any fish, you'll say, when you've once 

heard me wail, 
01. Oh, never mind ! only stop this squalling. 
And you, my kitten, go on with your catawauling, 
Ig. To please you. sire, I'll sing once more. 

{Takes song from attendant.) 

01. What is the piece ? 

Ig. A gem from ''Pinafore." 

[All get weak ; King falls f rain throne; Com. takes 
ofF cushion., sits on it, and takes Rye and Rock.) 



2U 

Ny. Comminagoumba, what are you doing, sir ? 

I say, Just droiD it. 
Ig. That's what he was doing until you made him 
stop it. 

Song^ Igala. 
There was a brave young sailor, 

Who roamed the ocean far ; 
He thought that a tarpaulin 
Best became an honest tar. 
Chorus : 

Oh, my ! do you think that that's fun,^ 
It is a x30or, weak pun ; 
And now that it is really done, 
Don't you feel ashamed \ 

There was a gallant soldier, 

Who was both straight and tall ; 
He thought all parties bores 
Except a cannon-ball. 
CI LOT us : 

They met by chance the usual way. 
For how else could it be '( 
The soldier went and saw a light. 
The sailor went to sea. 
CI. Kravo, my charming Grisi ; you sing like a 
breeze ; 
And when you marry Olengayombi, if you please, 
You can sing him to sleep. How will that do ( 
Ig. Why then I' d never get any sleep myself, not 

even a najj. 
(il. Well, yes, you would be unapt to. 
Com. Sleep is the great refresher of our race — 

{In gesticulating, strikes Ny.) 
Ny. Comminagoumba, will you be careful i 

You've hit me in the face. 
Com. My dear, I didn't mean to. 
Ny. You did, you did, you did. 
Com. Oh, well, I did, then. Anything for a quiet 
life, 
As Blue Beard said as he killed each wife. 
But, as I was about to remark 

{Enter Oguizi, L.) 
Ol. Oguizi ! Well, what luck ! 
Com. {aside.) No, I wasn't. 

Og. The victory's ours, we've taken all their fleet. 
They tried to flee it when they saw how easily we 
beat. 
(Jl. Oguizi, is there anything that I can do for 



A 



21 

you, my noble sailor ? 
(tg. {kneels.) Your majesty, I would leave here at 

once, but let me bid farewell to Igala. 
Ny. Don't, your majesty. Don't do anything of 
• the sort. 

Com. My wife is right. I forbid him to speak 

01. Silence in the Court. 

Com. That's just where it is. He wants to court 

her 
01. If you al^e caught speaking in that manner of 

your daughter, I'll p^^nish you. 
I can't jjerceive why you should conceive that she 

would deceive her future hubby. 
Com. You sift the matter with all selves., and 

you'll find out, dear bubby. 
01. I understand why you would go. You needn't 

think I'm blind. 
Go, say good-bye, you've at least earned that. 

Don't think that we're unkind. {Og. goes over 

to Ig. Ny. and Coin, start to go.) 
Look here, you two, you're not wanted over 

there ; come here. 

{Mag. rushes in.-) 

Mag. Oh, sire, we're licked. 

01. What, beaten i 

All. Well, you should be kicked. 

{Natives come in, straggling one after another, at 

intervals.) 

Mag. Kape shtill. {Enter Ag.) 

01. Don't speak ; I should think you'd be 
ashamed to show your face. 

Ak. What's the^ matter, General '\ 

Maq. I'm in disgrace. 

^/^.' What for > 

Mag. For being licked, my beauty. 

Ak. Though you've been licked, you've not been 
derelict in your duty. 

Mag. Kape shtill. {Enter Mess.) 

Mess. Y^our highness, Queen Quengueza gives 
you one last chance. . 
If you don't marry her, she'ii make you dance. 
And also pay the piper. 

Ny. Get out of here, you little viper ! 

01. Will you be quiet? What if I do not wed 
the Queen X 

Mess. Why, then, she'll storm the palace. 



'in 



01. And tlien 



Mess. Oh, that remains to be seen. 
But she'll probablv hang yon all. 
AU, Oh! ' 

01. My mind's made up. {Song :) 

If I don' t marry this gentle Queen, 

'Twill be the end of Pom Pom Puanah, 
For she will surely vent her spleen 
Upon ns in. some horrible manner. 
Ch Upon us in some horrible manner. 

UJ. She'll surely hang us by our necks, 

And we will ne'er need a medicatment 
If we her gentle spirit vex. 
And that would be a nice predicament. 

Ch. And that would be a nice predicament. 

01. Therefore, I'll with Quengueza wed, 

And save you all, my subjects true, 
So that, hereafter, 'twill be said 
I sacrificed myself for you. 

CJi. So, then, he'll with Quengueza wed ; 
Was ever monarch half so nice \ 
In future days it will be said 
He made for us this sacrifice. 

[During Song Ny. and Com. gesticulate. Ny. trying to 
induce Com. to speak to the King.) 

Ny. Speak up, now, or all will be lost. Don't be 
an ass ; it' s too absurd. 

Com. [Braces himself zvitJi rye and rock, first placing 
cushion on floor.) Assuredly it is. [Addressing 
King.) Sire! I hope you will not go back on 
your word. 

01. My mind's made up. I'll with Queen Quen- 
gueza wed. 

Com. Then what's to become of Igala \ 

01. She shall have Oguize instead. 

Com. I'll not stand it. 

01. Well, then, sit down. [Knocks him dozvn, so 
that he sits on cushion. Com. goes to drink rye 
and rock, but Ny., snatching it, throws it away, 
then boxes his ears, and pulls him up.) 

Ny. Get up ; we'll have to make the best of it, 
you clown. 
^Igala [sings). 



23 

Gaily, so gaily, our hearts now bound, 

Free as the winds in the gloaming, 
As they go swiftly over the ground, 

Softly embracing all things in their roaming. 
Pressing the lips of the babbling brook. 

Kissing the face of the ocean, 
Skipping and leaping through every nook, 

So bound our hearts with emotion. 

Emotion that's strong, yet loving, withal, 

With which we ne'er can be sated. 
Filling our souls with love toward all. 

Even those formerly hated. 
Filling our souls with love that is blest, 

Love that shall dwell with us ever. 
Rising to lips from the heart, in the breast 

Bursting forth in melodious measure. 

Gaily, so gaily, our hearts now bound. 

Free as the winds in the gloaming. 
As they go swiftly over the ground. 

Softly embracing all things in their roaming. 
Then let us be happy, tender, and true, 

Though sorrows on joys follow fast ; 
Though clouds may darken the skies azure hue, 

There' s sure to be sunshine at last. 

{Flour isli of trtimpets. 01. signs to Com. to inves- 
tigate. Com. goes out and comes hack L., bowing 
loiD and iDcdking backwards. Enter Queng, L.) 

01. My beauteous charmer, come to my arms. 
{TJiey embrace.) 

Quen. Since by our arms you've been over-come 
I'm glad you have come over. 

01. Well, now 'tis done, 
I am, too. 

The girl I was to marry, love, can't be compared to 
you. 
Og. {aside.) No, I don't think she can. 
Ak. [aside.) Maguineus is in disgrace. I think I'll 
make the best of it. 
And feather my oion nest, be Jionest, [and make a 
clean breast of it. {Aloud, falling on one knee. ) 
Sire, I will a tale unfold 
Which will freeze your you^ig blood, 
And make each particular hair upon your wig 
Stand on end, like squills upon the fretful porkupig. ' 
Ol. My wig, sir ! What mean you by such folly I 



24 

A/,: Pardon, your majesty, I was speaking ^^rr/- 
goric'illy. {Aside. ) Especially about the squills. 
Your majesty, to hide this thing would be no use. 
You all remember the explosion. 
AH. We do. 

AJc. 'Twas caused by Maguineus. 
Mag. Kape shtill ! 

Ak. He is the head of the so-called labor party ; 
And could he get a fair start, he would not only 

depose you. Sire 

Ol -Oh I the rnud slinger, I don't adv/z/re him one 

bit 

Proceed. 

AJh. But goaded on by greed, 
He goed in strong for greenbacks, 
And would have flooded the country with them had 
he been unchecked. {Jiising.) 
01 For greenbacks ! then the country' s credit 
would have been wrecked. 
No ! no ! rather than have such a thing occur, 
And caused by such a cur as that, 
I'll melt my plate up to make coin. 
Com Sire, ' tis. impossible, th^bf ^Jiot. 
01, Impossible, joujfat, and for what reason f 
Co7/i. Because, Sire, your plate has disappeared at 

this present season. 
()l. My plate gone ! Say, traitor, where have you 

hid it. 
Mag. Your majesty, I can not tell a lie ; it was 

your butler did it. 
(d. You double-dyed traitor, you shall die. 
Mag. Oh, now you're giving us taffy ! 
A fellow can only die once. 

Ol. And durst thou, then, to beard the lion in his 
den; 
Olengayombi in his hall ; 
And hop' st thou, then, unscathed to go ? 
No ; by my bride, Quengueza. Ho ! 
Up drawbridge, groom ! 
What, warder, ho ! let the portcullis fall. 

Mag. McGinnis turned, 
Well was his nade, 

And dashed like Rowell, at full spade — {runs old, 
but is cauglit by tioo attendants and brought 
back) — for which I have to thank ye. 
Convert that dash into a great big blank ye. 

Com. His treachery is not all, sire, I've seen him 
drink. 



25 

Ny. And, sire, lie once had the audacity to wink 
At me. 

All. Oh! shameful! 

Ali. And, sire, he said if I should tell. 
He' d put a head on me that would be swell. 

01. I guess it would be swell-ed. 

Ig. Your majesty, he tried to kiss me once. 

dg. Let me get at him ! ! the dunce. 

{Tries to rush at Mag., hut is lield hack hy Ig.) 

01. Have you anything to say % If you have, 

speak out; no one will believe you. 
Mag. Your majesty, allow me to explain ; I'll 

quickly undeceive you — 
Com,, {interrupting.) Sire ! 
Mag. As I was about to say — 
All. Comminagoumba has the floor. 
Mag. Oh, thin I'm flured ! 
{Aside.) Begorra, this reminds me of me college 

days, when I was up before the board. 
Com. Sire, this thing is now far beyond a joke. 
Ol. You're right! bring in our garoteer, the good 

Sir Artichoke. {Enter Art. L.) 
Mag. Oh, Sir Artichoke, you wouldn' t have the 

' art to choke me, would ye ? 
Art. Wouldn't I just ! {calling.) Bring in a bier 

for one ! 
Mag. Psist! Make that beers for two {Art\ 

you'll nade one afore we're done. 
Do you think I'm going to stand here and let you 
Choke me, widout my saying a worrud '''. Get out of 

here, now ! Shoo ! 
Come on MacDuff, and golly, gosh-darn, blame, 

twisted be he who first cries hold, enough. 

{Rushes at Art., loho runs out L.) 

Quen. Spare him, your highness, 'twould be aw- 
fully unlucky to kill him on our wedding day. 
Mag.''Yis, sire, it would, even to sintence me. 

What do you say % 
01. Well, since our queen has interceded, we will 
commute 
The sentence, provided that you skoot 
From here, immediately. 
Mag. Where shall I go % 

01. I don't care where you go; to what spot or 
spots. 
Gro to San Francisco, and settle on the sand lots, 



26 

Get cool among tlie Esquimaux, or hot 'mongst the 

HottentotH. 
(to to Jersey or to China, where you can peddle 

teas. 
Or build yourself a shanty among the Ashantees. 
Gro anywhere ; do anything. At least one thing re- 
mains, 
You can collect subscriptions for the poor of our 

domains 
Who Avon't pay any rents, and are otherwise op- 
pressed ; 
You can go 'round making speeches to have their 
wrongs redressed. 
Mag Thanks, sire, for your good advice. Follow 

it I will. 
01. Then skip the gutter. Yamoose the ranch. 
All. Clear out of here. 
Mag. Kape shtill' {^EJxit, L. Y. E.) 

Chorus : 

Our play has now come to an end, 

Its moral you will see : 
Rest contented with your lot, 

Whatever it may be; 
• And if, in love or politics, 

Misfortunes on you light, 
Your duty do thro' thick and thin, 
At last all will come right. 

Curtain. 



ERRATA. 



Page 1. For " Ron Ron'''' read " Rotyi Rom.'" 
■' " For " Akoudogo '' read " Akondogo." 
" " Omit the words " Opening Chorus." 

Page 11. For '■'■{Mag jnakes entryy read "Mag. 
{makes entryy\ 

Page 11. For "child" read "cheild." 
" " For " shark-snorted " read " shark- 
snouted." 

Page 15. For "think ye shniart" read "think 
ye' re shmart." 

Page 16. For "let her talk to the King" read 
"let me," etc. 

Page 18. For "that sounds well" read "(that 
sounds well)' ' . 

Page 18. For "soldiers. Chorus '' read "soldiers' 
chorus." 

Page 19. For "Rooster" read "roosters." 
" " For " Because " read " Becourse. " 
" " For "carrying water" read "carrying 
the wather." 

Page 19. For "chant" read "chants." 

Page 20. For ' ' that that's fun ' ' read ' ' that's fun." 

Page 22. For " medicatment ' ' read "medica- 
ment. '' 

Page 22. For " Oguize ' ' read " Oguizi.' ' 

Page 23. For "skies " read " sky's." 

Page 24. For "Quengueza. Ho!" read "Quen- 
gueza ! No!" 

Page 24. For "for which I have to thank ye" 
read " But dashed not far — for which," 

Page 25. For '" {Art.) " read " {to Art.) " 
Page 26. For "L. Y. E." read "L. L. E." 

'N. B. — The Great Unknown is a small boy, who 
goes around measuring everything. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



017 401 634 3 > 



